I don't care what people think anymore... I can't

You know, I can’t spend the rest of my life worrying about what other people think. I just can’t. I know everyone does, we all do, but I just don’t think I can do it for much longer without leaping head first into a desperate dark pit of despair.

Why? Because you can’t keep everyone happy all the time! It’s that quote we are told over and over but that NEVER actually sinks into our brains because every time somebody is mean to us, every time someone looks us up and down with distain, every time someone points the finger, even the times when people ARENT pointing the finger we feel to our core that we are worthless. We feel like little children who need to be slapped over the wrist and don’t we deserve that? Because we have been naughty? Because we have done something wrong? Well, to hell with that I think! I’m sick of always feeling like I’ve done something wrong! Cause guess what? It’s human NATURE to make mistakes. And sometimes, it’s not even a mistake! Sometimes, it was a really really really good choice that was disguised as a ‘bad’ thing in our beloved societies eyes. Sometimes we are making really really really GOOD choices for ourselves because we spend SO much time consciously telling ourself what we should and shouldn’t do and think that when we actually just follow our instincts it leads us somewhere good.

K, don’t get me wrong here… I’m not saying that we can do whatever we want and that doesn’t negatively affect people. I’m not saying lets all run out and hit people over the head cause they annoy us. No, no, no. (oh that rehab song came into my head then “I’m saying no, no, no”).

So what AM I trying to say? Who knows? Are you going to hit me over the head cause it annoys you? Go – ooon!

Uuuuuuuuuuuum what I’m saying is. Here I am. I did this for reasons x, y and z. If you can’t take a second to look at what that x, y and z is you have no compassion or understanding. If you can’t stop to wonder why I got to this point, well it’s not my problem. If you want to spend the next 10minutes – 2 weeks of your life b*tching about me behind my back because you know better then me, you always have, you are so much more pefect then I am. Well, do it. But what I am going to do. Is accept that I have done this because of x, y & z. And anyone who doesn’t understand that, well, it’s either because they don’t understand themselves, they can’t understand it because they are so fundamentally different (which is cool), they are emotionally involved (and emotions cloud judgement) or they are just too damn selvish and self involved to give a damn and care more about gossip and drama then the person who is obviously now in quite a tight spot cause not only are they sitting there judging themselves but they are also being judged by everyone around them. Take a second to stop judging, and try and see the hurting person underneath. It will be you soon enough and you will wish only that people will have the compassion and understanding that you need to help you through your hellish ordeal (however if you were the latter drama lovers you might relish the fact that there's some real drama in your life and use it to high heaven - oh yes, I've seen it many times).

By the same token, sometimes people are just *holes and don’t give a sh*t about anyone but themselves. It is also good to learn to recognise these people, so you don’t waste your time or compassion on them. Because believe me, when it comes to the crunch, they have none for you, and they never will (unless of-course they experienced the EXACT same event and they can feel some kind of odd compassion because it was SO traumatic for them and being so self involved it was meaningful to them and they can kind of pat you on the back and through saying poor you are some how still meeting their own needs). Oh wow. That was interesting! Must have some pent up emotion or something about that… see… emotion clouding judgement… or maybe it’s just that the truth hurts.

Just remember, number one, is you. Compassion takes energy, so use it wisely, but do not use it in restriction, when the time comes. And it will. Use your eyes. And see beneath the surface. We all make mistakes. Now WHY did we make them?

And if someone doesn’t understand that. They will never understand me. So what’s the point of caring what they think? I will simply be beating my head against a brick wall that’s about 1000 layers thick. And until something comes internally and knocks that wall down, I aint ever getting through.

I want to care what people think (for some reason). It serves some strange purpose. It’s human nature.

But I just can’t anymore. Go me.

Eagle 24/04/2010