It’s hard to ask for help. It’s really hard. But once you’ve done it you realise everyone is happy to help. They aren’t judging you. Amazingly. They aren’t.
It’s hard to be vulnerable. It’s really hard. But the reality of it is, that we just are. We all need a bit of help sometimes. It’s ok to reach out for it. Because, if we don’t reach out, we just stay sitting in this deep dark pit. We just stay there trying to scramble out. Occasionally we get close to the top, but it’s easy to fall back in again.
I think the only way to climb out properly. Is if someone helps you up.
As annoying as it is that I need help and I can’t actually do this alone. I’m glad that there are people who are willing to help pull me up. I’m thankful for those people who are surrounded by light, because at the moment, they aren’t in the ditch. That’s not to say they have never been in it. In fact, mostly they will secretly tell you (once you’ve opened up about needing help) that they themselves have been in there. And in fact, they are proud of you:
a) for recognising you are in there
b) for wanting to get out
c) for having the courage to ask for the help you desperately need
d) for finding the strength you will need, to pull your self out of there
And they then urge you to ask for help (next time) before you stumble back in there. Looking for the signs that there is a ditch up ahead. Putting up some WARNING, DITCH AHEAD signs so that next time you can avoid it. Next time you can just swan on by and wave at the ditch as you chuckle to yourself how clever you were to put that sign there. Just mind that you don’t fall down another one at this point!! J Sometimes when you think you’ve got all the ditches sign posted some sneaky one comes up behind you!! (Probably when you are walking backwards and laughing and waving to your friends about how clever you are).
But that’s just kinda life really… things happen that you can’t predict… things come up that you didn’t know were inside you. Or that you thought you’d worked on before. Turns out you don’t generalise that well. And that’s OK. And you just have to have the strength to keep on pulling yourself up so you will get out of that ditch. Because MAN is it good when you are walking around in the sunshine. It’s glorious.
Glorious.
And it beats everything you’ve ever felt. So don’t give up. Reach out your hand. And let someone help you pull yourself out of there. Don’t think you have to do it on your own. You don’t. I don’t. We don’t.
We all know the song “lean on me, when your not strong”
I need to lean on people now. You might need to as well. But when the time comes they can lean on me. It’s really hard for me to do the leaning part (I’m much better at the being supportive part) cause I’m so used to doing the caring role. I’m so used to being the strong, independent one. I think it’s also a more accepted role in society. But realistically, if I don’t lean, I’m never going to get anywhere from here right? I’m also not going to be able be the leaner or leanee (oh wait, I meant that like employer, as in the person who you lean on) because I won’t have the capacity because I’ve never got myself out of the ditch. So then it’s like two people scrambling around in the ditch. Sure, you might be able to give them a foot up. But they might accidently push you over as they try to push themselves out and you end up face planting the mud. Still stuck, and really dirty. And probably feeling a bit used and betrayed (even when that’s really not what the other person meant to make you feel).
Anyways,
Point? It’s OK to ask for help. It’s better then OK. Asking for help is one step in the right direction. Means you are actually ready to try to climb on out. Which is AWESOME. It gives you that little nudge you needed to keep pushing yourself and realise what you are made of.
Onwards and upwards
Not backwards and downwards
The roads we will travel
Are littered with obstacles
But anything’s possible
With friends who can guide you
With ideas in your head
And strength, in your heart
With fire in your soul
And passion in your heart
The roads we will travel
Will be filled with joy
Joy from a depths
Joy from the heart
Joy from our souls
Who’ve passed through much sorrow
- Eagle 20/4/2010
Good luck in your travels my friends. Enjoy every second, and use the hard times to learn about yourself and others.
Xox Peace and love to you all
Tuesday 20 April 2010
Thursday 15 April 2010
Blog floggy
You know, it’s hard to know what people would want to read… Not to say I would pander. Just to know what people would read if I posted absolutely every thought that crossed my mind. I’d say it would be hard to sift through to the bits you are interested in!! There is a lot going on in there. All of it very interesting to me! Mainly because it’s happening to me. Did you notice?? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I need to stop posting now!!! I’m going a little (what’s the equivalent to snap happy on camera to a blog?) Blog floggy? Haha. Excellent. I LOVE being snap happy!! We got the best pics in egypt from random ‘camera on the go’. Very artsy!!! You know, artsy or random. Either way, not your typical average shot – not that there’s anything wrong with that!
Xox peace and luuuuuuuuuuurve
Eagle 15/04/2010 (approximately 30 seconds after the last post)
Xox peace and luuuuuuuuuuurve
Eagle 15/04/2010 (approximately 30 seconds after the last post)
Spacey
So I’m less spacey today. I never can tell if this is a good or bad thing. I guess it just is.
I’ve notice I say I guess a lot. Good times.
Think I’m moving towards the more spacey side as the 3:30pm mark approaches.
Chocolate anyone?
I’ve notice I say I guess a lot. Good times.
Think I’m moving towards the more spacey side as the 3:30pm mark approaches.
Chocolate anyone?
From strength to vulnerability, or is it from vulnerability to strength?
You know, it would have been interesting to do a blog when I was a teenager. I look at what I write now vs. what I used to write then. VERY different. Much less angsty (as you would expect) like, to an extent… I still feel the same emotions… I just feel differently about feeling them…
Anyways, of course at that point I was too shit scared to show I was even mildly vulnerable, even though I was falling apart at the seams (I’m struggling here not to say “not literally!” as I work with kids with Autism I’m becoming more and more literal even though I’m the queen of metaphor).
I’d like to say here that my blogs are not just my own thoughts. Over time I have spoken to many friends, family members, colleages (who I also count as friends) and counsellors, who offered me much wisdom – or maybe just understanding, honesty and love are better words to use then wisdom.
For isn’t wisdom something we gain with experience? Isn’t the wise he who knows there is ALWAYS more to learn?
Would you say you more seek understanding and love more then knowing the secrets of the universe? (am I hearing – noooo here?)
Here’s my secret. They ARE the secrets. At least the secrets of the human universe (as in the human race)
OK well atleast, that’s what I need to be happy. We are all different! But that’s my secret. Understanding, honesty and love.
That’s all I ever really wanted. Find that. And you have everything.
Thank-you everyone in my life who showed that to me, in order for me to love myself.
I love you.
Lots of love
Xox Eagle – 15/04/2010
p.s. RIGHT ON!!
Anyways, of course at that point I was too shit scared to show I was even mildly vulnerable, even though I was falling apart at the seams (I’m struggling here not to say “not literally!” as I work with kids with Autism I’m becoming more and more literal even though I’m the queen of metaphor).
I’d like to say here that my blogs are not just my own thoughts. Over time I have spoken to many friends, family members, colleages (who I also count as friends) and counsellors, who offered me much wisdom – or maybe just understanding, honesty and love are better words to use then wisdom.
For isn’t wisdom something we gain with experience? Isn’t the wise he who knows there is ALWAYS more to learn?
Would you say you more seek understanding and love more then knowing the secrets of the universe? (am I hearing – noooo here?)
Here’s my secret. They ARE the secrets. At least the secrets of the human universe (as in the human race)
OK well atleast, that’s what I need to be happy. We are all different! But that’s my secret. Understanding, honesty and love.
That’s all I ever really wanted. Find that. And you have everything.
Thank-you everyone in my life who showed that to me, in order for me to love myself.
I love you.
Lots of love
Xox Eagle – 15/04/2010
p.s. RIGHT ON!!
Search for questions, not answers
Life is not about answers (shock horror?), it’s about questions to ask.
I figured this out a while ago now, but for some reason today it’s popped back into my mind. I remember I was getting on a plane somewhere and just really needed to sort my head out. I felt a right mess.
I remember I opened my notepad and just wrote and wrote. Every-time a question came up I’d answer it honestly. An answer would come up instinctually, before I could push it away or change it to suit me.
e.g. “do I really want to go to x (wherever it was!)” YES was written down
WHY?
Because I’d always regret it if I don’t
WHY? Because I just need to try, to know, even if I end up right back where I started.
Look at that. The answers were inside me all along. I just had never asked the right questions. We are always so busy looking externally for someone to tell us what to do, or what to think. And don’t get me wrong, it’s good to reach out for people when you need help. But it’s good to remember (I think) that we really have all the answers (or should I say questions) inside us. And no-one else can tell us how we feel deep down, or what we really truly want. They just can’t. So don’t ask someone to tell you what to do. Because all you’ll do is regret that you didn’t follow your gut instinct. This is not to say we shouldn’t listen to people around us. Because generally family and friends only tell you something because they love and care about you and they are concerned. So it’s good to listen. It’s good to take this on board. But at the end of the day you alone have to make the decision that is right for you. So stop running scared. You never get far away from what you are running from. Why? Because it’s inside you!! J
So anyway, I then asked myselfWhat’s stopping me then/why do I feel like I don’t want to go?
Because you don’t (I think we can feel two conflicting things at once)
WHY?
I’m scared
WHY?
In case I fail
Fail what?
Myself, the people I love, fail at life
But, if the people you love really love you… they will love you no matter what right?
YES
AND, I could never truly fail, because there would be failure in not trying
YES
So, I had to go, to know, regardless of fear. I couldn’t argue with myself. So I just had to trust all these things will fall away or work out. TRUST IN LIFE
One of my best friends told me her mother used to tell her “trust in life, it will bring you much comfort”. I found this profound at the time and still do really. If we just trust we are in the right place and “The universe will provide” (thanks to another beautiful friend) that’s all we can do. That’s not to say we should just do things nilly willy, but if we know our own mind, and know what we want and where we want to be, then trusting in life is vital!! Or else it’s a little bit difficult to keep sane.
All these things did work themselves out by the way – or still are… but getting there!
Am I glad I did it?
YES
WHY?
Because there was a reasons after all. I’m learning more everyday and without learning, I don’t feel alive. I’m learning to make sense of this world which is so difficult to understand. I’m learning about what this world looks like through my own eyes. I’m learning about me. For the first time in my life, I’m not worrying about everyone around me and I’m thinking about myself.
But of-course still caring about everyone around me. But I think caring and worrying are two different things!
So,
Trusting. Not necessarily my instincts. But just having the courage to questions. And give an honest answer. Even if it scares you. Even if it doesn’t.
It won’t take the pain or happiness away or whatever you were feeling but I just enjoy feeling less confused and more clear about what’s bouncing around my brain – and trust me there’s a lot
And I think sometimes we are sad because we think we are out of control of our destiny or what goes on within us. Or atleast can understand it. And from there, take control, and move forward. What a relief.
What a relief to be relieved of sorrow. If only for a little while.
What a relief to feel I’m making a decision for a reason, for myself, and that I’m not bonkers after all! (well or atleast not in that sense, nothing wrong with being generally a bit bonkers! In fact I encourage it!)
What a relief
What a relief
What a relief
Or should I say release?
Either way – ALL GOOD! J (Thanks to another friend for that comment! I’ve ended up using it a lot when initially I didn’t like it! Now I understand it, I LOVE it!! J)
Eagle – 15/04/2010
I figured this out a while ago now, but for some reason today it’s popped back into my mind. I remember I was getting on a plane somewhere and just really needed to sort my head out. I felt a right mess.
I remember I opened my notepad and just wrote and wrote. Every-time a question came up I’d answer it honestly. An answer would come up instinctually, before I could push it away or change it to suit me.
e.g. “do I really want to go to x (wherever it was!)” YES was written down
WHY?
Because I’d always regret it if I don’t
WHY? Because I just need to try, to know, even if I end up right back where I started.
Look at that. The answers were inside me all along. I just had never asked the right questions. We are always so busy looking externally for someone to tell us what to do, or what to think. And don’t get me wrong, it’s good to reach out for people when you need help. But it’s good to remember (I think) that we really have all the answers (or should I say questions) inside us. And no-one else can tell us how we feel deep down, or what we really truly want. They just can’t. So don’t ask someone to tell you what to do. Because all you’ll do is regret that you didn’t follow your gut instinct. This is not to say we shouldn’t listen to people around us. Because generally family and friends only tell you something because they love and care about you and they are concerned. So it’s good to listen. It’s good to take this on board. But at the end of the day you alone have to make the decision that is right for you. So stop running scared. You never get far away from what you are running from. Why? Because it’s inside you!! J
So anyway, I then asked myselfWhat’s stopping me then/why do I feel like I don’t want to go?
Because you don’t (I think we can feel two conflicting things at once)
WHY?
I’m scared
WHY?
In case I fail
Fail what?
Myself, the people I love, fail at life
But, if the people you love really love you… they will love you no matter what right?
YES
AND, I could never truly fail, because there would be failure in not trying
YES
So, I had to go, to know, regardless of fear. I couldn’t argue with myself. So I just had to trust all these things will fall away or work out. TRUST IN LIFE
One of my best friends told me her mother used to tell her “trust in life, it will bring you much comfort”. I found this profound at the time and still do really. If we just trust we are in the right place and “The universe will provide” (thanks to another beautiful friend) that’s all we can do. That’s not to say we should just do things nilly willy, but if we know our own mind, and know what we want and where we want to be, then trusting in life is vital!! Or else it’s a little bit difficult to keep sane.
All these things did work themselves out by the way – or still are… but getting there!
Am I glad I did it?
YES
WHY?
Because there was a reasons after all. I’m learning more everyday and without learning, I don’t feel alive. I’m learning to make sense of this world which is so difficult to understand. I’m learning about what this world looks like through my own eyes. I’m learning about me. For the first time in my life, I’m not worrying about everyone around me and I’m thinking about myself.
But of-course still caring about everyone around me. But I think caring and worrying are two different things!
So,
Trusting. Not necessarily my instincts. But just having the courage to questions. And give an honest answer. Even if it scares you. Even if it doesn’t.
It won’t take the pain or happiness away or whatever you were feeling but I just enjoy feeling less confused and more clear about what’s bouncing around my brain – and trust me there’s a lot
And I think sometimes we are sad because we think we are out of control of our destiny or what goes on within us. Or atleast can understand it. And from there, take control, and move forward. What a relief.
What a relief to be relieved of sorrow. If only for a little while.
What a relief to feel I’m making a decision for a reason, for myself, and that I’m not bonkers after all! (well or atleast not in that sense, nothing wrong with being generally a bit bonkers! In fact I encourage it!)
What a relief
What a relief
What a relief
Or should I say release?
Either way – ALL GOOD! J (Thanks to another friend for that comment! I’ve ended up using it a lot when initially I didn’t like it! Now I understand it, I LOVE it!! J)
Eagle – 15/04/2010
Search for questions, not answers
Life is not about answers (shock horror?), it’s about questions to ask.
I figured this out a while ago now, but for some reason today it’s popped back into my mind. I remember I was getting on a plane somewhere and just really needed to sort my head out. I felt a right mess.
I remember I opened my notepad and just wrote and wrote. Every-time a question came up I’d answer it honestly. An answer would come up instinctually, before I could push it away or change it to suit me.
e.g. “do I really want to go to x (wherever it was!)” YES was written down
WHY?
Because I’d always regret it if I don’t
WHY? Because I just need to try, to know, even if I end up right back where I started.
Look at that. The answers were inside me all along. I just had never asked the right questions. We are always so busy looking externally for someone to tell us what to do, or what to think. And don’t get me wrong, it’s good to reach out for people when you need help. But it’s good to remember (I think) that we really have all the answers (or should I say questions) inside us. And no-one else can tell us how we feel deep down, or what we really truly want. They just can’t. So don’t ask someone to tell you what to do. Because all you’ll do is regret that you didn’t follow your gut instinct. This is not to say we shouldn’t listen to people around us. Because generally family and friends only tell you something because they love and care about you and they are concerned. So it’s good to listen. It’s good to take this on board. But at the end of the day you alone have to make the decision that is right for you. So stop running scared. You never get far away from what you are running from. Why? Because it’s inside you!! J
So anyway, I then asked myselfWhat’s stopping me then/why do I feel like I don’t want to go?
Because you don’t (I think we can feel two conflicting things at once)
WHY?
I’m scared
WHY?
In case I fail
Fail what?
Myself, the people I love, fail at life
But, if the people you love really love you… they will love you no matter what right?
YES
AND, I could never truly fail, because there would be failure in not trying
YES
So, I had to go, to know, regardless of fear. I couldn’t argue with myself. So I just had to trust all these things will fall away or work out. TRUST IN LIFE
One of my best friends told me her mother used to tell her “trust in life, it will bring you much comfort”. I found this profound at the time and still do really. If we just trust we are in the right place and “The universe will provide” (thanks to another beautiful friend) that’s all we can do. That’s not to say we should just do things nilly willy, but if we know our own mind, and know what we want and where we want to be, then trusting in life is vital!! Or else it’s a little bit difficult to keep sane.
All these things did work themselves out by the way – or still are… but getting there!
Am I glad I did it?
YES
WHY?
Because there was a reasons after all. I’m learning more everyday and without learning, I don’t feel alive. I’m learning to make sense of this world which is so difficult to understand. I’m learning about what this world looks like through my own eyes. I’m learning about me. For the first time in my life, I’m not worrying about everyone around me and I’m thinking about myself.
But of-course still caring about everyone around me. But I think caring and worrying are two different things!
So,
Trusting. Not necessarily my instincts. But just having the courage to questions. And give an honest answer. Even if it scares you. Even if it doesn’t.
It won’t take the pain or happiness away or whatever you were feeling but I just enjoy feeling less confused and more clear about what’s bouncing around my brain – and trust me there’s a lot
And I think sometimes we are sad because we think we are out of control of our destiny or what goes on within us. Or atleast can understand it. And from there, take control, and move forward. What a relief.
What a relief to be relieved of sorrow. If only for a little while.
What a relief to feel I’m making a decision for a reason, for myself, and that I’m not bonkers after all! (well or atleast not in that sense, nothing wrong with being generally a bit bonkers! In fact I encourage it!)
What a relief
What a relief
What a relief
Or should I say release?
Either way – ALL GOOD! J (Thanks to another friend for that comment! I’ve ended up using it a lot when initially I didn’t like it! Now I understand it, I LOVE it!! J)
Eagle – 15/04/2010
I figured this out a while ago now, but for some reason today it’s popped back into my mind. I remember I was getting on a plane somewhere and just really needed to sort my head out. I felt a right mess.
I remember I opened my notepad and just wrote and wrote. Every-time a question came up I’d answer it honestly. An answer would come up instinctually, before I could push it away or change it to suit me.
e.g. “do I really want to go to x (wherever it was!)” YES was written down
WHY?
Because I’d always regret it if I don’t
WHY? Because I just need to try, to know, even if I end up right back where I started.
Look at that. The answers were inside me all along. I just had never asked the right questions. We are always so busy looking externally for someone to tell us what to do, or what to think. And don’t get me wrong, it’s good to reach out for people when you need help. But it’s good to remember (I think) that we really have all the answers (or should I say questions) inside us. And no-one else can tell us how we feel deep down, or what we really truly want. They just can’t. So don’t ask someone to tell you what to do. Because all you’ll do is regret that you didn’t follow your gut instinct. This is not to say we shouldn’t listen to people around us. Because generally family and friends only tell you something because they love and care about you and they are concerned. So it’s good to listen. It’s good to take this on board. But at the end of the day you alone have to make the decision that is right for you. So stop running scared. You never get far away from what you are running from. Why? Because it’s inside you!! J
So anyway, I then asked myselfWhat’s stopping me then/why do I feel like I don’t want to go?
Because you don’t (I think we can feel two conflicting things at once)
WHY?
I’m scared
WHY?
In case I fail
Fail what?
Myself, the people I love, fail at life
But, if the people you love really love you… they will love you no matter what right?
YES
AND, I could never truly fail, because there would be failure in not trying
YES
So, I had to go, to know, regardless of fear. I couldn’t argue with myself. So I just had to trust all these things will fall away or work out. TRUST IN LIFE
One of my best friends told me her mother used to tell her “trust in life, it will bring you much comfort”. I found this profound at the time and still do really. If we just trust we are in the right place and “The universe will provide” (thanks to another beautiful friend) that’s all we can do. That’s not to say we should just do things nilly willy, but if we know our own mind, and know what we want and where we want to be, then trusting in life is vital!! Or else it’s a little bit difficult to keep sane.
All these things did work themselves out by the way – or still are… but getting there!
Am I glad I did it?
YES
WHY?
Because there was a reasons after all. I’m learning more everyday and without learning, I don’t feel alive. I’m learning to make sense of this world which is so difficult to understand. I’m learning about what this world looks like through my own eyes. I’m learning about me. For the first time in my life, I’m not worrying about everyone around me and I’m thinking about myself.
But of-course still caring about everyone around me. But I think caring and worrying are two different things!
So,
Trusting. Not necessarily my instincts. But just having the courage to questions. And give an honest answer. Even if it scares you. Even if it doesn’t.
It won’t take the pain or happiness away or whatever you were feeling but I just enjoy feeling less confused and more clear about what’s bouncing around my brain – and trust me there’s a lot
And I think sometimes we are sad because we think we are out of control of our destiny or what goes on within us. Or atleast can understand it. And from there, take control, and move forward. What a relief.
What a relief to be relieved of sorrow. If only for a little while.
What a relief to feel I’m making a decision for a reason, for myself, and that I’m not bonkers after all! (well or atleast not in that sense, nothing wrong with being generally a bit bonkers! In fact I encourage it!)
What a relief
What a relief
What a relief
Or should I say release?
Either way – ALL GOOD! J (Thanks to another friend for that comment! I’ve ended up using it a lot when initially I didn’t like it! Now I understand it, I LOVE it!! J)
Eagle – 15/04/2010
Tuesday 13 April 2010
After thought to last post
What I'm saying is... One thing shouldn't neccessarily make you happier then the other (e.g. being in a relationship you should feel happier then when you're single) cause MAN does that put pressure on you when you are down (and this WILL happen). You just have to make sure somewhere in your life you leave the time to feel joyous or preferably find it in what you do all the time (I will bow at your feet and beg your wisdom if you figure this out). Make sure one thing does not restrict the other. You will ALWAYS have things competing for your time as there will always only be so many hours in the day.
Just, don't put all your eggs in one basket (I feel this is important to add for some reason). Cause:
a) there are SO many things out there we can feel joyous about, or whilst doing
b) if the basket dissapears you are screw-ED
c) no reason. Just get out there and try new things! It's FUN!! :)
But if you already know what makes you happy and you have a spare moment
Enjoy it
Savour it
LIVE it
The time is now.
RIGHT now.
How sweet is that?!
xox Eagle
Just, don't put all your eggs in one basket (I feel this is important to add for some reason). Cause:
a) there are SO many things out there we can feel joyous about, or whilst doing
b) if the basket dissapears you are screw-ED
c) no reason. Just get out there and try new things! It's FUN!! :)
But if you already know what makes you happy and you have a spare moment
Enjoy it
Savour it
LIVE it
The time is now.
RIGHT now.
How sweet is that?!
xox Eagle
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